Discworld Quotes
Quotes written from Terry Pratchett's extremely funny Discworld series

 You did something because it had always been done, and the explanation was "but we've always done it this way." A million dead people can't have been wrong, can they?

-- (Terry Pratchett, The Fifth Elephant) 

A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.

-- (Terry Pratchett, The Fifth Elephant)

"But you read a lot of books, I'm thinking. Hard to have faith, ain't it, when you've read too many books?"

-- (Terry Pratchett, Carpe Jugulum)

PEOPLE'S WHOLE LIVES DO PASS IN FRONT OF THEIR EYES BEFORE THEY DIE. THE PROCESS IS CALLED 'LIVING'.

-- (Terry Pratchett, The Last Continent)

"All bastards are bastards, but some bastards is bastards."

-- (Terry Pratchett, The Last Continent)

One of the universal rules of happiness is: always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Jingo)

"Real children don't go hoppity-skip unless they are on drugs."

-- Susan, the ultimate sensible governess (Terry Pratchett, Hogfather)

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Hogfather)

"That statement is either so deep it would take a lifetime to fully comprehend every particle of its meaning, or it is a load of absolute tosh. Which is it, I wonder?"

-- (Terry Pratchett, Hogfather) 

"Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time."

-- Bursar 1 - Hex 0 (Terry Pratchett, Hogfather) 

The truth may be out there, but lies are inside your head.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Hogfather) 

+++ Divide By Cucumber Error. Please Reinstall Universe And Reboot +++

-- (Terry Pratchett, Hogfather) 

Rumour is information distilled so finely that it can filter through anything. It does not need doors and windows -- sometimes it does not need people. It can exist free and wild, running from ear to ear without ever touching lips.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Feet of Clay) 

"The singers all loathe the sight of one another, the chorus despises the singers, they both hate the orchestra, and everyone fears the conductor; the staff on one prompt side won't talk to the staff on the opposite prompt side, the dancers are all crazed from hunger in any case..."

-- How opera works (Terry Pratchett, Maskerade) 

It is the fate of all banisters worth sliding down that there is something nasty waiting at the far end.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Maskerade) 

Just because it's not nice doesn't mean it's not miraculous.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Interesting Times) 

"Stercus, stercus, stercus, moriturus sum."

-- (Terry Pratchett, Interesting Times) 

It is said that whosoever the gods wish to destroy, they first make mad. In fact, whosoever the gods wish to destroy, they first hand the equivalent of a stick with a fizzing fuse and Acme Dynamite Company written on the side. It's more interesting, and doesn't take so long.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Soul Music) 

"Of course, just because we've heard a spine-chilling, blood-curdling scream of the sort to make your very marrow freeze in your bones doesn't automatically mean there's anything wrong."

-- (Terry Pratchett, Soul Music) 

Sometimes it's better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms) 

The Battle of Koom Valley is the only one known to history where both sides ambushed each other.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms) 

The shortest unit of time in the multiverse is the New York Second, defined as the period of time between the traffic lights turning green and the cab behind you honking.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies) 

In the Beginning there was nothing, which exploded.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies) 

The Monks of Cool, whose tiny and exclusive monastery is hidden in a really cool and laid-back valley in the lower Ramtops, have a passing-out test for a novice. He is taken into a room full of all types of clothing and asked: Yo, my son, which of these is the most stylish thing to wear? And the correct answer is: Hey, whatever I select.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies) 

His philosophy was a mixture of three famous schools -- the Cynics, the Stoics and the Epicureans -- and summed up all three of them in his famous phrase, "You can't trust any bugger further than you can throw him, and there's nothing you can do about it, so let's have a drink."

-- We meet Dydactylos the philosopher (Terry Pratchett, Small Gods) 

History, contrary to popular theories, is kings and dates and battles.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Small Gods) 

Cuius testiculos habes, habeas cardia et cerebellum.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Small Gods) 

Gravity is a habit that is hard to shake off.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Small Gods) 

Asking someone to repeat a phrase you'd not only heard very clearly but were also exceedingly angry about was around Defcon II in the lexicon of squabble.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad) 

- "We've got a lot of experience of not having any experience"
-- Stop being so negative (Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad) 

No matter how fast light travels it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man) 

"Students?" barked the Archchancellor. "Yes, Master. You know? They're the thinner ones with the pale faces? Because we're a university? They come with the whole thing, like rats --"

-- (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures) 

Of course, it is very important to be sober when you take an exam. Many worthwhile careers in the street-cleansing, fruit-picking and subway-guitar-playing industries have been founded on a lack of understanding of this simple fact.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures) 

The gods of the Disc have never bothered much about judging the souls of the dead, and so people only go to hell if that's where they believe, in their deepest heart, that they deserve to go. Which they won't do if they don't know about it. This explains why it is so important to shoot missionaries on sight.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Eric) 

No enemies had ever taken Ankh-Morpock. Well technically they had, quite often; the city welcomed free-spending barbarian invaders, but somehow the puzzled raiders found, after a few days, that they didn't own their horses any more, and within a couple of months they were just another minority group with its own graffiti and food shops.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Eric) 

FABRICATI DIEM, PVNC.

-- The motto of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch (Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!) 

A good bookshop is just a genteel Black Hole that knows how to read.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!) 

Lady Ramkin's bosom rose and fell like an empire.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!) 

Thunder rolled. ... It rolled a six.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!) 

"Ibid you already know."

-- Discworld philosophers introducing each other (Terry Pratchett, Pyramids) 

Nature abhors dimensional abnormalities, and seals them neatly away so that they don't upset people. Nature, in fact, abhors a lot of things, including vacuums, ships called the "Marie Celeste", and the chuck keys for electric drills.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Pyramids) 

"I'd like to know if I could compare you to a summer's day. Because -- well, June 12th was quite nice, and..."

-- (Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters) 

"I'm not going to ride on a magic carpet!" he hissed. "I'm afraid of grounds." "You mean heights," said Conina. "And stop being silly." "I know what I mean! It's the grounds that kill you!"

-- (Terry Pratchett, Sourcery) 

It wasn't blood in general he couldn't stand the sight of, it was just his blood in particular that was so upsetting.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Sourcery) 

The only things known to go faster than ordinary light is monarchy, according to the philosopher Ly Tin Weedle. He reasoned like this: you can't have more than one king, and tradition demands that there is no gap between kings, so when a king dies the succession must therefore pass to the heir instantaneously. Presumably, he said, there must be some elementary particles -- kingons, or possibly queons -- that do this job, but of course succession sometimes fails if, in mid-flight, they strike an anti-particle, or republicon. His ambitious plans to use his discovery to send messages, involving the careful torturing of a small king in order to modulate the signal, were never fully expanded because, at that point, the bar closed.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Mort) 

Ankh-Morpork had dallied with many forms of government and had ended up with that form of democracy known as One Man, One Vote. The Patrician was the Man; he had the Vote.

-- Discworld politics explained (Terry Pratchett, Mort) 

- "Sodomy non sapiens," said Albert under his breath.
- "What does that mean?"
- "Means I'm buggered if I know."

-- Mort and Albert are facing a problem (Terry Pratchett, Mort) 

They both savoured the strange warm glow of being much more ignorant than ordinary people, who were only ignorant of ordinary things.

-- Discworld scientists at work (Terry Pratchett, Equal Rites) 

For animals, the entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.

-- (Terry Pratchett, Equal Rites) 

- "Pull me up, then," he hinted.
- "I think that might be sort of difficult," grunted Twoflower. "I don't
actually think I can do it, in fact."
- "What are you holding on to, then?"
- "You."
- "I mean besides me."
- "What do you mean, besides you?" said Twoflower.

-- (Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic) 

"Let's just say that if complete and utter chaos was lightning, he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are bastards'."

-- Rincewind discussing Twoflower (Terry Pratchett, The Colour of Magic)