The Unauthorized Version

Romeo alone on stage in the orchard of the Capulet house, below Juliet’s balcony. 

Romeo: (coming forward)

          But Soft, what light through yonder window breaks.

          It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

          Arise, fair sun…

Incontinentia: (from under a tree) She’s the daughter, she is.

Romeo: (surprised at not being alone on stage) What?!

Incontinentia: (goes toward Romeo) She’s the daughter not the son, ye daft bugger.

Romeo: I said SUN not SON (he makes them sound exactly the same).  Who are you? Never mind, just go bugger off.

Incontinentia: (aside) Pompous Twit. (To Romeo) My name is Incontinentia, and I am not allowed to bugger off.

Romeo: Why not?

Incontinentia: I used to belong to the house of derrière.  But, I was a wild painful thing to them, uncontrollable you could say.  I was given to wild rages when they least expected it.  Finally they had enough and they kicked me forcefully out, banished to live in the Capulet’s orchard.  They said I’d help the trees grow.

Romeo: (not really listening) My sympathies.  But, If you will excuse me to my passionate, if one-sided, monologue.  (seeing no objection) Excuse me. (Romeo pauses to clear his throat and remember his place, then continues).

          But soft, what light through yonder window breaks.

          It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

          (looks sideways at Incontinentia)

          Arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon,

          (starts to get into it)

          Who is already sick and pale with grief.

          That thou…

Incontinentia: It’s all that cheese

Romeo: What?!!

Incontinentia: (as if to a child) It’s not envy but cheese.

Romeo: Huh?

Incontinentia: To much cheese is bad for you I say.  Does funny things.  (Sees Romeo start to open mouth)  But don’t let me interrupt you.

Romeo: (recovers his place with some effort)  That thou…

Incontinentia: You had better skip a bit.  She’s coming out.

Romeo: How do you…?

Juliet: (having come out unknown to Romeo) Ay me.

Romeo: (is startled by her sudden speaking) She speaks…!

Incontinentia: Of course she does, did you think she was a mute?

Romeo: (aside to Incontinentia) Will you shut up and go away. (speaks toward Juliet)

          Oh speak again, bright angel, for thou art,

          As glorious to the night, being o’er my head.

Incontinentia: (unheard by Romeo or Juliet) O’er?

Romeo: As is a winged messenger of heaven,

          Unto the white…

Incontinentia: Who are you talking too?  She can’t hear you.

Romeo: It’s poetic.

Incontinentia: It’s nonsense.

Romeo: (getting defensive) I’m in love

Incontinentia: Sure, sure and how long have you been in love to be sneaking around her windows at night?

Romeo: We met, (looks at his watch) two hours ago.

Incontinentia: Two hours! You hardly know the girl.

Romeo: (indignant) It was love at first sight.

Incontinentia: (trying to spell it out for him) Did you know that in the late 16^th century the roles of women were played by young men?

Romeo: What are you saying?

Incontinentia: Nothing really, just that you hardly know the girl.

Romeo: (catching on, if slowly) Are you saying she’s a…

Incontinentia: Don’t ask don’t tell is my motto.

Romeo: But she’s not a…

Incontinentia: True. True, Romeo & Julian would hardly stand the test of time as the world’s greatest tragic romance.

Romeo: Her name is not Julian, it’s Juliet

Incontinentia: Well, what’s in a name.

Romeo: (finally registering what she said) Hold on, what do you mean tragic romance?

Incontinentia: (as if to a child) You didn’t read your script did you?

Romeo: Well, not all the way through.  Why?

Incontinentia: Well, put it this way, did they give you a long term contract?

Romeo: No (pause) Just a pay or play contract for this one show…with an option to extend.

Incontinentia: I see….(pause)

Romeo: Hold on, you mean?

Incontinentia: Should have read the entire script.

Juliet: (still unable to tell what is going on as she has not been spoken to.  She has been staring at the stars the whole time and getting impatient because she knows what is supposed to happen.) AY WELL.

Romeo: (Aside) Pushy bitch (to Incontinentia) Do you have a copy of the script with you?

Incontinentia: Yeah, it’s just off stage.  Come on. (exeunt Incontinentia and Romeo)

Juliet: (not knowing that they have left is still waiting for Romeo to finish his lines.  Impatient she goes on with her next line.) O Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou you bastard.

[FIN]